Thursday, May 18, 2006

Slightly Masochistic

Nearly every day after work I walk home and go sit on the couch to watch tv just for a bit before I head off to the gym. I have the same routine. I'm a Taurus and we like that sort of thing. Stability. Routines. Etc.

Food Network is my crack. I have a pretty hard weekend Food Network habit. I like to watch Giada De Laurentiis on and marvel at how big her noggin is and how she EXCLUSIVELY wears V-neck shirts because someone told her it would make her head less big-- but really, they lied. I like to watch Ina Garten because she is such a people pleaser who bends over backwards to feed the her friends (who seem to be exclusively gay men) and husband to prove her worth for existing. I like Paula Dean because she puts a pound of butter in everything, and she KNOWS it might just kill her family and there's a devilish twinkle in her eye like that's her master plan.

And then.... There is that EFFING RACHEL RAY.

I watch 30 Minute Meals just about every day. I watch it to incite some rage so I have some steam to work off at the gym. I. Hate. Rachel. Ray. She makes my blood boil. She makes me unpleased to have traces of Italian heritage, a family, be American, be female, and exist.

When I watch Food Network I want some FOOD PORN. Show me the frying close up enough so I flinch when the grease splatters. Show me how you dice things effortlessly, show me gooey sauces and crispy chicken skin. SHOW ME THE MONEY. I watch food TV for the same reasons I read Vogue. SHOW ME LUXURY and rub it in my face how that's not how I can live.

Don't giggle and say "oohhhh these sammies look DELISH!". How dare you blaspheme sandwiches as such. Sandwiches are on my list of "reasons for living", don't you take them away from me.

Don't say "well in my family blah blah blah" BECAUSE YOU ARE LIKE 40 YEARS OLD AND SHOULD HAVE OTHER STORIES TO TELL BESIDES ONES ABOUT YOUR GRANDFATHER.

Don't call your boyfriend your "sweetie", it isn't 1957. Have you gotten pinned yet? Oh you're married? I see. I'm interested to find that a man found you attractive. Does he have any defects?

Don't "sprinkle a little E.V.O.O." When you mean LOAD UP THIS PAN WITH EXPENSIVE OLIVE OIL. Not every occasion calls for extra-virgin olive oil, which is why they make many types. Ass.

Don't let everyone know after every commercial break what you just did. This isn't cooking for kindergarteners in ReCap-ville, we WILL REMEMBER from before the break, or FIGURE IT OUT.

Don't use grill seasoning ON EVERTHING EVER. You have a TV show, MIX IT UP.

Don't tip so effing badly when you survive on $40 a day. And next time you are in DC don't go to Clydes and be real; 2 tapas at Jaleo is not a meal and the Sky Terrace is tourist trap #1.

Must you mention: that you live in the country, that what you are making is "affordable", that you can find this in a local grocery store, that you can of course substitute other things for alcohol because alcohol is scary, and that you don't bake. LEARN TO BAKE.

It's good to know there is help for people like me. That I'm not alone in my utter hatred. Maybe there are other ways of coping.

The problem is that I simply can't stop watching. I hate her cooking style, her food (usually), her SELF-- even her damn theme song. But I still tune in at 6 AND 6:30 because I have to. I punish myself daily with Rachel Ray. And I have no plans to change. This is out of my hands.

picture taken from budgettravelonline.com

2 comments:

Runjit Chandra said...

Excellent. Something we can steam about when we are together. You have about the same hatred for this woman as i do. Except, i get down to the very minute details of her being. Her laugh...it irritates the hell out of me. It is like a cross between a snort and chuckle. A snorkle....Yeah...that is what she has. Sounds like a snorkle too. Anyway, we should start a cooking show with the title being "F You Rachel, we can cook also and we are not anywhere close to annoying and controling to Food Network as you are."

It is a title in work, but you get the picture.

jterry said...

"I like Paula Dean because she puts a pound of butter in everything, and she KNOWS it might just kill her family and there's a devilish twinkle in her eye like that's her master plan."

I swear this is my grandmother's daily routine. :) Also, I agree that Rachel Ray sucks.