Friday, May 12, 2006

I'm a quitter

But I'm not very good at it. Sure there are lots of things that I don't "do" now that I used to "do". But I don't think actively saying "no, I shall not continue piano lessons through college" is the same thing as saying "Sorry, I'm leaving in a few weeks because other people are going to pay me more and it's going to rule". Not the SAME.

In fact, In my brain I still play the piano. I still do all the things I "quit". I still identify with all of that. I have a tendency to throw myself into everything I do and I really think I'm shaped by everything that I've done. Even if it's something lame, like 12 years of piano lessons.

Working here was like hanging onto a relationship that you should have gotten yourself out of ages ago. Everything is routine and you resent that, the ups are alright and the downs are a mess, you don't know who you are or who this other person is, and you take that frustration out each other. But somehow, you stay. And talk of leaving is hard to really examine. My job and I have had a rough run, and I'm ready to just shake hands, make peace, and walk away. Execpt make fun of it. Just a little. You know, when I'm with other people who have been there too. Cuz really, if you ONLY knew.

I also feel like I've done a bad job at keeping it a secret. Maybe it's because I felt like I owed the people I work with something more than just two weeks notice. Also, maybe I was afraid of quitting. A problem with being something of an introvert is that it sort of gets messed up with being self-centered. Sitting face to face with your boss and telling her about this awesome job offer you got and apologizing for leaving, and being so sorry is going to get you weird looks. Absolutely everyone here has been gracious, and congratulatory, and genuinely excited for me. And also, Hello-- they are going to get along just fine without me.

I'm 24 and in a job that people stay in for a year. In fact, I've had two jobs that they expect to have people in for a year-- back-to-back. It's my time. Give me two gold stars for surviving this long. They expect this, so why did I cry? (a little, I know)

I feel very weird about it. I've been here for nearly two years, and considering this was my first job out of college, and my first promotion, I think that's a long time. It's like my Freshman and Sophomore years of LIFE have gone on here, and I have routines and have figured things out, and L'SIGH it is SO MUCH CLOSER TO MY HOUSE. AND WHERE I GET MY HAIRCUT.

I'm feeling very zen about it. Maybe too zen. Like, I'm worried it was all a dream and I just confused the dream with real life and then I'll have no job. Change can be sort of a sticky mess, and for me generally it's pretty awful and not much goes my way and I have to kick and fight to patch everything up. There's no mess for me to clean up here, and that is REALLY weird.

I have nothing to do, not a whole lot to freak out about. I'm just sitting here filling out new healthcare forms. You can't spill ink when you fill them out online. This is just weird.

1 comment:

dan said...

Since I've quit plenty of jobs, I have a standard letter that I use you are welcome to it if you'd like. Shoot me an email and I'll send it your way. Oh and congratulations and boom! I've got your boyfriend this weekend ;-)