Thursday, March 09, 2006

An Open Letter to Project Runway (which thus far is yet unseen)

Dear Project Runway:

Thank you for being renewed for a third season!

Thank you for being one of my favorite shows. I wanted to classify you as my favorite "reality show" but really, you're so much more than that! You are my Wednesday night. You are my water-cooler-conversation-fuel. You are the reason I don't hang myself on hump day, because really, what's to live for when the weekend is so far away, and yet the one behind you was so close.

Your time, Wednesday nights at 10pm on Bravo is just ideal. Good going PR producers! THANK YOU. For serious, that's about the time in my life when I need some bitchiness. Not like, bitchiness that I deal with from 9 - 5:30, I mean deep-down, roll-up-those-sleeves, some-designers-are-just-really-great-pattern-makers bitchiness. I crave it. Maybe it's some masochistic instinct. I want a fabulous gay man to scream "WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHIFFON" as my alarm clock (mmm... Nick I'm looking at you). I want to know how to drape my own clothes, and I want to know how to thread my sewing machine in less than 2 hours and without 2 teaspoons of tears.

Project Runway, you are the perfect show. Drama, bitchery, hilarity (Where's Andrae?), superficial glory, and things I don't see everyday. Many shows on TV, I look at and I think "if I could win a million dollars, I could totes repel down the side of a tall building in Sao Paulo" or "Come ON now, kids. Really, are you all that wild and crazy?" but this show?! I can barely hem pants! I can make very, very simple things with my sewing machine. My fabric stash from college has been reduced to 5 yards of pink muslin, 2 vintage tee shirts, some navy blue lace, and a 5 years of ribbon and beads collected from ruined designs involving safetypins and elastic.

But, Darling PR, this is my beef and my delight with you:

1.) if Santino wins, I am going to have to throw down with the TV, write my local congressperson a letter (errr..... Ward One Councilman, mayhaps?) and then cry my brown eyes out at the thought of someone with way too much to say and way too many ruffles to convey it. It will be the ruin of my love affair with Bravo. I might have to cheat on you with either Logo, Food Network (which is already partially true), or VH1 (love to regress).

2.) If Chloe wins, than I think everyone in the country will breathe a collective sigh of relief that for ONCE, the Asian-American population will have someone to point to that is cool, creative, and successful without having to learn kung fu, play the violin, or be really good at math. Chloe is awesome, talented, and beautiful, but I fear she will not win. There are great things for her to come though, this is true. If i looked more like a sorority girl, i would TOTES wear her clothes with platform flipflops and a vera bradley tote and sashay around DC like it was my effing job. (wait-- platform flip flops, i must recind that offer). Also, Texas really needs some more things to be proud of. They're fighting an uphill battle what with Georgie-poo to begin with.

3.) if Daniel V. wins I am going to steal some of my boyfriend's underwear and mail it to him with my return address and a note attached in pink swirly penmanship that reads "Curious if boy genius is hung like a man". I'm probably the only girl in America who thinks he is cute. If I saw him on the street, I would be like "swoon!". I know he's not into my plumbing, but that's alright. I'll hold your shopping bags, Daniel V.! He is my favorite. I am rooting for him. If he doesn't win, than THE BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS, PRODUCERS. How about letting a nice guy with good taste win something FOR ONCE. There are enough jerks in the world who get to talk and america listens. How about letting the good guys win, for once?

That's all I have to say about this nonsense. I cannot believe that I missed it. Bless you, DK for owning a TiVo and having the sense to appease me with its many delights.

p.s. I'm serious, if Santino wins, I am boycotting season three.

p.p.s. did everyone see Kara Janx's collection? I was super impressed.

p.p.p.s let me remind you it's the EIGHTH AMENDMENT to the Constitution that guards against cruel and unusual punishment. This lends itself to Project Runway taunting, teasing, telling, and tarnishing. I MEAN IT.

p.p.p.p.s. no links because i fear that i might catch the results and really, i'm sort of looking forward to the challenge of not letting myself know. that means tomorrow, no internets (even and no gossipping. HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE?

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