Monday, April 03, 2006
Basic outline of why I am still awake.
At the top of that list right now?
Stressing about not being able to sleep. Damn you daylight savings. Daylight savings time always screws me up, and I don't fall asleep easily; I am a fretter.
Sunday nights in particular I never get a good night's sleep. I have read books, watched tv, counted backwards from 99, envisioned sheep, fantasized about the shoes I would like to buy and the jobs I would prefer to have-- even read the drug information packet from my new medical wonder-friend, Zelnorm.
But nothing. Not. sleepy.
I can't sleep right now, due to your average sunday-night-case-of-the-worries, which I've included here in outline form
A.) I wonder what my balance is. should i check it? no-- let's just ballpark the math.
1.) pay bills:
ii.) Student Loans
iii.) Credit Card
2.) Balls. check balance. budget money for the next 2 weeks to maximize credit card payment. This includes food, necessary amounts of booze, fun times over the weekend, travel for passover and easter, and doctors hoo ha (see III).
B.) Notation that I need to make more money... leading into
A.) I would really like a new one, please. My current job isn't doing it for me anymore. I am interested in a lot of things. I really would like to do a lot of things that I am underqualified for.
1.) Internet strategies for non-profits: qualifications = i read blogs at work a lot
2.) Transition into the arts = I take bad faux-artsy pictures and stalk flickr
3.) Get out of things that involve the things I hate about my job now.
4.) Get to be more creative in workplace, however, I need to figure out
a.) what exactly I am good at
b.) what to do with what I am good at
c.) figure out what makes my skills unique
d.) figure out how to get paid more than i am getting paid now for such qualifications
B.) Also figure out new job that will let me start to think about grad school, but first I should
1.) figure out what I'd like to study
2.) get over being really bullishly stubborn about higher-higher education because I feel like the world is really just so self-important re: higher-higher education. Everyone has all these plans,that are falling into place, which they sort of talk about in such a way that makes me feel really bad about myself because i've finally come to the realization that I don't have to like school as much as I pretended to. Smart girls are supposed to like school. And deciding this isn't always true was hard.
a.) once i am over this, figure out how to pay for such an education, which apparently i am ridiculously ignorant for not knowing what it shall be in and or not having a huge drive to attain it because I am well in the hole for undergrad alone.
b.) I have no interest in going into the realm which I studied in college, and I am now paying citibank often for the luxury of that mistake. (see I. MONEY)
3.) But maybe should stay at job with super good benefits because
III. MY HEALTH
A.) Zelnorm packet has not put me to sleep, though said drug has increased my overall life
satisfaction insomuch as now i am not sitting on the couch green with envy.
1.) Neither is my 9am appointment for bloodwork tomorrow.
2.) I am not afraid of needles.
B.) I am afraid of having to take a pill for the rest of my life and I have always been afraid of getting results of ANYTHING back.
IV. CASE IN POINT
A. To this day, I don't know what my grades for my second semester of college are. I have never looked.
B.) I never looked because I had the WORST professor in a NORTORIOUSLY hard class who had failed most of us on a midterm and I was PETRIFIED of failing, because I am not the kind of girl who 'never failed'. I have failed at a great many things.
2.) childhood dream of becoming cowgirl-mommy by age 19
3.) 3 midterms (ALL CLASSES for my major)
4.) to figure out what I want to be when I grow up (see I, II, IV, V, VI, VII)
C.) When cleaning out desk this weekend, I found my letter stating that GW had let me graduate, and that my diploma was on its way. I had forgotten about this friendly letter, and a few months anxiety rushed out of my body.
1.) so where the balls IS my dilpoma?
2.) and where the balls are all my important documents?
V. IMPENDING BIRTHDAY (April 26)
A. I need to renew drivers license
1.) stick with PA?
2.) Get DC?
a.) what papers do i need
b.) where the eff ARE THOSE PAPERS
B. What the balls am I going to do for said birthday?
C. Not asking any family members of my overly-presently-inclined family because I am going to need some help for
VI. THE MOVE
A.) The goal is to live by myself. I am really ready for my own apartment with my own mess, own decorating decisions, and own emotional space. Even if it's like 300 square feet of it. I am ready for not turning on the light to figure out what that creepy noise is. I am ready to just sleep with a baseball bat and hope for the best.
B.) Finding a studio apartment is going to be really hard.
1.) especially in my price range
2.) especially on the Hill (preferred neighborhood)
3.) i've lived without windows in my bedroom (and office to boot) and am looking for some LIGHT, AIR CIRCULATION, and PEACE AND QUIET.
C.) And my parents will want to help me buy what I need to fill in the gaps at Target and what not, and after having helped me pay for college (see IV) I am completely incapable of accepting their money, which is a real shame.
1.) example 1: when i was home before my cousin's wedding to hang out, my mom took me shopping for a dress to wear. she offered to get me some new work clothes too, but i refused. They had done so much for me, how could I really accept some slacks? My mother told me that i was acting foolish, but she doesn't quite understand how guilty i feel that they paid a lot of money for my education and I am not using it exactly.(see I, II)
VII. TIDBITS IN CONCLUSION
A.) currently reading A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby, which is so beautiful and yet so depressing that it makes it hard to sleep, because I am now worried about
a.) people throwing themselves off of buildings
b.) how to make life worth not throwing self off building
1.) do i ever think about throwing myself off a building?
2.) if i have is that so bad?
3.) if i haven't, is that so bad?
B.) Am gripped with sudden realization at impending age (see V) that my parents are getting older. And my grandparents are getting older. And I am sad about the day I will have to worry about this for real.
C.) is making outlines of why it's now 2:45 am and i still cannot sleep COMPLETELY NEUROTIC?
1.) Why is my poor blog my outlet for neurotic tendencies?
2.) Does blog enable neurotic tendencies?
for reals now. i'd like some sleep.