Thursday, April 19, 2007

Justin Timberlake is my personal trainer

Let Me Talk To You Prelude / My Love
Katastrophic thoughts plus Justin Timberlake =

6 minutes, 10 seconds

Place: Washington Sports Club
Calories burned in that time: roughly 80

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
(I'm tired of arguing girl)
Hey, hey, hey,

If my dad were around, he'd yell "Hay is for HORSES" already, JUSTIN.

(I'm tired of arguing girl)
Hey, hey, hey

Hey. I'm here, aren't I. FELLOWS. JT. Timbaland. I AM HERE TO BRING SEXY BACK, ETC. I AM HERE TO LOSE WEIGHT AND WORK HARD. See this? I am geared up to do AN HOUR OF CARDIO. TELL ME I AM PRETTY.

My love, uh huh, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love, hey

(That's me, thanks. I know.)

My love, hey, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love, hey

(Don't I F-ing wish. Tell me why you wear vests and why it makes it hard to breathe when I am sneak-reading Tiger-Beat in my cubicle).

My love, hey, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love
My love

I love the way you're standing
Lips look so sweet, like cotton candy (My love)

That don't mean you gotta stop dancing
'Cause the way that you move is so demanding (My love)

It's true. I'm a demanding lady. I like all eyes on me when I want them and no eyes on me when mine are daggers. DUH. I love dancing in people's living rooms. In bars where no one else is dancing, and in crowded places. I hate it when my parents are around, the music involves too many guitars (I never know what to do) or I am not drunk enough.

Let's put it on cruise control
Let me take you to the crib, let me ease your soul (My love)

I gonna take it really nice and slow
But first let me, let me, let me talk to her

Is this what nice boys do? Talk to her? Don't people fall in love on dance floors? What I would have given for a west-side story-minus-tragedy-affair? Right? Like I'm in a swirly dress, and we dance once, I in my swirly dress and he in a red shirt. NOW WE ARE IN LOVE. God-- isn't this EASY? Also, we are Puerto Rican? Please say so!

LOVE.

My love, hey, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love, hey

God-- this was the BEST concert. Even from the nosebleed seats I could tell how hot he is. Yes my Ani DiFranco, Beth Orton, Indie rock loving self LOVES THIS SHIT.

My love, hey, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love, hey

(My hips wiggle on the elliptical in time to the music. I can't help it. SO F-ing catchy!)

My love, hey, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love
My love

DUDE. Wicked cowbell. Is that what it's going to take for me to drop down to an easy size 6? Some Cowbell? God-- I AM SO WHITE.

Walk into my great place, cozy
I'm glad you came, let's make a toast (My love)

A toast. We've made toasts. Whole wheat. Sometimes with Jelly. Once or twice regarding anniversaries, birthdays and perhaps flag day.

Let me make an indecent proposal
Let me take you to the back and do what we're suppose to (My love)

Let's take a trip to the bayou
You can be the investigator, I'm your Private I (My love)

You know I want a piece of that pie

(mmmm......pie. I'm on a diet. I CRAVE PIE EVERY FIVE MINUTES. What do you tell a stomach that wants pie that it's getting an apple? Nothing. You pretend it's not speaking. No hablo ingles, tummy. Solo tengo ensalada.

But first let me, let me, let me talk to her

My love, hey, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love, hey

(oooh.... I smell the big tough guy transitioning into a total sap. God I LOVE TOTAL SAPS. SAP! SAP! SAP! Rings and puppies and picnics and SKINNINESS!)

(sigh. Not a pointed sigh either. Befuddled. Not there yet? I like chinese take-out and netflix. That's not SAP and that's not settling either. Where is it? Normal?)

My love, hey, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love, hey
My love, hey, my love, hey

Ain't no other woman that could take your spot my..

(swoon. Holy hell. Justin Timberlake wears suit-type items with non-suit-type flair. SWOON.)

If I wrote you a symphony
Just to say how much you mean to me (what would you do)
If I told you, you were beautiful

(Go on.... I'm listening.)

Would you date me on the regular (tell me would you?)

Um, YES. you are like, #2 on my "list of celebrities". That's for another entry. Mine is random.

Well baby, I've been around the world
But I ain't seen myself another girl (like you)

This ring here represents my heart

Who is getting married these days? WHO DO I KNOW WHO THINKS LIKE THIS. What IS romance these days? Saving money? Convenience? Lowered condo fees?

But there's just one thing I need from you (say I do)

Because, I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach our toes in the sand

OMG CANNOT WAIT UNTIL I GO TO THE BEACH IN JULY. WAIT. (looks in mirror to the left of me on machine.) OH. RIGHT. That means other people have to see my ass in a swimsuit and still want to drink beer. That means not be nauseous. JUST YET.

I can see us on the country side
Sitting on the grass laying side by side
You can be my baby
Let me make you my lady

SERIOUSLY. MOVE. BURN CALORIES. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, HAVING THAT BITE OF CHOCOLATE?

Girl you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothing crazy

oohhh... Sorry. You can have that bite of chocolate. Aren't we trying NOT to be insane? one bite (of chocolate) is OK. 15 Hershey bars is not. A stranger's arm? Your desk? Worse.

See all I want you to do is be…

My love (so don't give away)
My love (so don't give away)

Who gives a millionaire's love away? my boyfriend makes $3,000 more than me and I am like "wooo hooo, jackpot boyfriend".

My love (so don't give away)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot my love

Does he understand my jealousy issues? Can JT SEE ME? RIGHT NOW?


My love
My love
My love
My love

Now if I wrote you a love note

When is the last time I got a love letter? I can't even tell you. Who can know? Who writes them anymore? Let's just say the last time someone signed an email "xoxo" perhaps? Can you send them from your black berry?

And made you smile at every word I wrote (what would you do?)

I sort of do that already. Is Gmail a love note? in the 21st Century, I vote YES.

Would that make you want to change your scene

((God I am so tired... Must keep going. Breathing is heavy. My back is wet. Catches glimpse of self in mirror. Making progress. Gulps. Sucks it up.)

And wanna be the one on my team (tell me would you?)
See, what's the point in waiting anymore

Everyone is waiting. While I am here, breathing in a creepy heavy way, I've seen about 4 wedding rings. NO ONE IS MARRIED. At least, NO MARRIED PEOPLE WORK OUT AT 10PM!

Cuz girl, I never been more sure (that baby, it's you)
This ring here represents my heart
And everything that you've been waiting for (just say it, I do)

Now, I, as a 24-year-old-turning 25 next week feel marketed to. Are you selling me your fidelity, JT? Are you selling me the package of a smoking hot 25-year-old who is TOTALLY down with commitment. Rings. Roses?

LIAR.

(Do you have a P.O. Box I could direct my fan fiction to?)

Because, I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach our toes in the sand

ALSO, GET PEDICURE. HOLY BALLS.

(mental note)

I can see us on the country side
Sitting on the grass laying side by side
You can be my baby

I sort of hate that. Baby. Who calls people baby? I never really liked it. It's like, verbally squashing your adult-y independence and ability to buy alcoholic beverages. Baby. It's just so weird and like you are dating a doo-wop song.

Also why are there no songs about people with my name? NADA.

Let me make you my lady
Girl you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothing crazy

I prefer to think of crazy in the Patsy Cline kinda way. My boyfriend's basset hound at home bays with Patsy Cline. Maybe she and I are more alike than we know?

See all I want you to do is be…

My love (so don't give away)

At a house party this past weekend, I drunkenly did the dance from the video.

stomp, stomp, draaaggggg in a circle. Like the video.

stomp, stomp, draggggg.

My love (so don't give away)
My love (so don't give away)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot my love

Why don't real people say this out loud ever?


My love

HOLY HELL. WHAT IS THAT SMELL? IS IT THE DUDE RUNNING IN FRONT OF ME?

((looks around))

Oh god. YES.

My love

Colloquially, English-speakers don't use this term as much as the Spanish-speaking world. It's too preshus for me to deal with in English. Too saccharine.

My love

stomp, stomp draaaag

My love

alright it’s time to get it JT
I don’t know what she hesitating for man
(Aye aye) Shorty, cool as a fan
On the new once again
(Baby) Still has fans from Peru to Japan
Listen baby, I don't wanna ruin your plan
But if you got a man, try to lose him if you can

WAIT-- NO. TI. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? When I first heard of T.I. I thought he was T 1. You know, like, ONE. Like a LAN connection. Boy, was I sad when I realized I was wrong. My friend laughed at me for weeks.

Cause the girls real wild throw they hands up high
when they wanna come and kick it wit a stand up guy

I ALREADY DO. MINUS STINK-RUNNING-FRIEND in front of me.

you don't really wanna let the chance go by
Cause you ain't been seen wit a man so fly
(baby) France so fly I can go fly
Private, cause I handle my B-I

I can handle that. (I think. What is that?) B.O. is another subject. YIKES. Running Friend! What is going ON?

They call me candle guy, simply because I am on fire
I hate to have to cancel my vacation so you can't deny
I'm patient, but I ain't gonna try

Ouch. Rings truer than normal. Yes, patience is a virtue. Don't you notice my held tongue? TRYING.

You don't come, I ain't gonna die

OH.

Maybe it's good I'm NOT dating JT. If he doesn't care about that sort of thing.

Hold up, what you mean, you can't go why?
Me and you boyfriend we ain't no tie
You say you wanna kick it, when i ain't so high
Well baby,its obvious that I ain't your guy
I ain't goin lie, I feel your space
But forget your face, I swear I will

What about glorious Brigantine, NJ? i'll totes be kicking it there in July. That's why I'm here for an HOUR OF CARDIO. To impress all of Central Jersey and Philadelphia on vacation that I am hotter than your average girl on the Atlantic City Boardwalk. Shouldn't it be NOT HARD?

St.Barth's, Anguilla, anywhere I chill
Just bring wit me a pair, I will

I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach our toes in the sand
I can see us on the country side
Sitting on the grass laying side by side

Why don't I drink wine outside more? I totally should. Note to self: buy nice plastic cups.

You can be my baby
Let me make you my lady
Girl you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothin crazy
See all I want you to do is be…

My love (love)

stomp, stomp draaaaggg

why didn't I become a back-up dancer?

My love (love)
My love (love)
Ain't another woman that could take your spot my love

My love
My love
My love

stomp, stomp drag
stomp, stomp drag.
My love

(phew. ONLY 13 more minutes!)

(OH GOD. UNTIL I'M DONE WITH THIS SET!)


2 comments:

H said...

isnt jt the best trainer ever?? i don't think anyone could motivate me to sweat the way he does. and isnt that album the best album ever?? and even from the nosebleed seats wasnt he incredible?? could the dancing be any hotter?? *sigh* LOVE. (also, i have the exact same reaction: ALSO, GET PEDICURE. HOLY BALLS when i hear the "toes in the sand" line.)hah

Freewheel said...

LOL. JT needs to tour with Janet Jackson.