Wednesday, April 25, 2007

'blank' ass bitches

You know, April 26th has a lot of meaning.

John Wilkes Booth died, it's World Intellectual Property Day, the Geneva Conferences began and the first U.S. rocket landed on the moon.

Carol Burnett, I.M. Pei, Jessica Lynch, Jordana Brewster and I were all born, in different years of course. Tell me we aren't all important?

Wouldn't that be a FUNNY group of people in one room? I'd like to talk to each of these people at a reception over cocktail weenies.

Carol: Is it as much fun being funny as it looks? Cuz it looks like funny is old.

I.M.: Aren't you glad you are brilliant instead of a 12-year-old girl who would, like, TOTALLY giggle at your name?

Jess: What does that sort of amnesia taste like?

Jordana: Weren't you in some awful movies? No? Then who exactly ARE you?

But we're all Tauruses (Tauri?) and we are funny folk, us Taurus/es/i.

We are stubborn-ass bitches.

I would rather DIE than give in to ANYTHING. DIE. Because of this, I choose my arguments and statements carefully. Also for this, I sort of hate debating. HATE! Let's not philosophize or argue about something I can't change, because I'll have to unfortunately stick with that statement until it is buried with me, thanks.

Along with stubborn, we are patient. This, I think, goes hand-in-hand with stubbornness. Sometimes it's easier to wait for just the right time to proclaim how right you are about something than mess around with the wrong times for utter correctness and charm.

We are jealous-ass bitches.

In the equal amount of time I can sit without being antsy about how long it will take my hair to grow, when I'll be devastatingly toned, or when Jake Gyllenhaal will realize how cool I am, my blood can boil in five seconds about someone or something if it crosses me.

This is especially true of rivals of all sorts: people who are skinnier than me who are eating huge cheeseburgers, people who don't respect the fine social art of where lines in the sand are drawn, and people who have bulldogs of any variety.

Perhaps the flip-side of blood-boiling jealousy is blood-boiling of a different variety. We are sensual. It's true! I'm not just saying that to be like tooting my own sexy-horn or anything. We bullies enjoy good food. Good wine. Soft fabric. Backrubs. Exotic Flowers. Amazing views. Good smells. Oral hygiene.

Tauri are also reliable-ass bitches.

I may be perpetually 10 minutes late. But I will arrive when I say I will. I only break plans if I really need to and then I feel terrible when I do. If a friend is sad, I am all over that situation doing the monkey-with-cymbals distraction song and dance. I will help you move. I like helping! Look at me! I am so ready to help!


But reliability comes with inflexibility. If we are going out for sushi, don't all of a sudden go "hmmm... maybe we should have Indian food" because I will patiently choose to argue with you about the ridiculousness of what you are saying. I have internalized the sushi. Visualized the sushi. Dreamed about the smooth, cold fish, creamy heat of the wasabi and the vinegary rice. I taste the Kirin in my mouth, fool-- don't rob me of that!

Also, tell me I'm pretty. And bring on the quarter-life crisis.

Tauri are also NOTORIOUS birthday princesses.


(ok, ok birthday-princess-ass-bitches)




1 comment:

Elisa said...

Happy Birthday! You're pretty! and also my fav dancing monkey. xoxo